The last few weeks have been extremely difficult. I'm not sure why--perhaps my hormones are still out of whack; maybe it's the Holiday "blues"; or maybe I'm just really struggling with EVERYTHING.
I posted on Facebook the other day about feeling like an inadequate mother. I received some really nice comments-but still feel inadequate. My children have been.....hmmmm-there really are no words.
Cortlynn has been struggling with stuff and it all came to light last week. I won't be going into details because it really isn't any one's business, but I felt like a complete failure. I had to take almost everything away from her--and the next thing to be "taken" is dance. I haven't done this because we've put so much time and money into it AND with the Nutcracker coming up-it would cause issues with more people than just her. But-there are no electronic devices, friend activities, and I've had to rethink a few Christmas gifts. Punishing your children is needed and I believe they grow from their mistakes-but I still find myself feeling "guilty". Why is this???? I was FARRRRRRR from perfect growing up. Things happened to me (when I was her age, younger, and older) that I pray Cortlynn will not have to experience any of them. I'm not naive, yet-I know I don't know everything either. I really think the World we live in today is a more "evil" World and harder to raise children. I don't want to smother my children; they need to experience things, they need to learn from failure, they need to learn from rejection: but I am shocked almost daily by what the World says is appropriate.
Example:
It is so troubling for me to not be able to purchase a CD or music for my children that they hear on the radio because there are different versions. A radio version and a CD version. I can't tell you how many times I've bought a CD and have been shocked when I heard what the song is really saying. I have now reverted to googling lyrics prior to buying music. There is a song on the radio right now-being sung by a popular artist; an artist that will be the half-time entertainer at the Super Bowl. The song is beyond disgusting!!!! I didn't pay attention until one day Tristan was singing it. When I took a minute and listened-my mouth dropped to the floor and I couldn't change the radio station fast enough. Mind you -this was on the radio so it is "cleaner". I'm going to share a few of the lyrics--
* Ooh I got a body full of liquor
With a cocaine kicker
You'll be banging on my chest
Bang bang, gorilla
Ooh, yeah
You and me baby making love like gorillas
Ummmmmmm--Really?????? So much of the music is crap. The "music" is catchy yet the lyrics are shockingly awful. Miley Cyrus has been in the news lately for her choices and being a not so good role model for girls: This is true, but the things the male artists are singing on the same stations and award shows are far more disturbing-yet, they get no negative feedback. Boys will be boys.... I've had to have some difficult conversations with my kids explaining to them that things they hear on the radio or see on TV isn't appropriate and people should not treat others that way. I've also programmed the TV with a password so they are unable to access certain content. The other night a Spongebob episode was protected. Sorry kids-that's life--mamma is living on the password, even it's a cartoon.
While at a 100 mile function the other night I had a quick conversation with Tristan's teacher. He is having emotional issues and she was concerned. I tried to talk to him but he says everything is fine. I just hope he is just tired. He is so kind hearted and believes everyone is his friend. Last year there were issues of him being bullied and I just hope this isn't the case. A mom can only protect her children so much. I sure do love that little boy.
This week has also been challenging dealing with people. While working in the bank I enjoyed talking to people and being somewhat social. In "real" life-I don't like it that much. I don't let people in, I don't share information about myself freely, and I have difficulties trusting people. Being a stay at home mom definitely has it's advantages of not dealing with people day after day-but I also yearn for a little adult conversation or interaction. This week the two little girls and I went to the store to visit Devin and check out the toys and clothes. While there I had more than one person come up to me and tell me that Devin and I better be done having children. He's not "allowed" to have anymore-4 is enough. WHAT??? I didn't know that a couples decision whether or not to have children concerned anyone but that couple. This isn't the first time and probably not the last time I will hear this, but this week-the comments really bothered me. I LOVE my children: all 4 of them. If we are blessed with anymore children----I would be extremely happy and excited. Children are a blessing and how dare you judge!
I've also found myself having problems handling a new acquaintance of Devin's. You see---he has a new hobby. Good for him! Devin works hard and deserves to do things that he enjoys. This new hobby though I 'm afraid is going to be "all consuming". He is now a member of a Paranormal Group in Pocatello. They go to buildings or homes and hunt for ghosts. (not sure why he needs to hunt for them in other buildings-just stay home and experience things here) anywho----he is now a member. Great, Awesome! Well-it's not just hunting-but it is hours of reviewing video and taking notes. The women in charge of this group is extremely demanding and impatient. "Got to get things completed quickly to keep our reputation in tact" (Really???? Didn't know we were filming "Ghost Hunters" and people care) With Devin at work constantly it has been me (acting as Devin)getting the messages and emails telling him to upload video and review it. I spent over 2hrs uploading just 1 file yesterday and the stupid thing didn't even work. I sent a note to her and she questioned me on the program I used and told "Devin" he needs to get a zip drive and/or meet with another member to figure out what to do. This isn't my hobby and I shouldn't care what this women thinks-yet I sat in my room and cried. I don't have time for this. I personally don't think Devin has time for it--but what do you do? I don't want to be "That wife".
I pray that things will begin to get better. Maybe with our Christmas tree up I can sit in the other room with the Christmas lights on and relax-while thinking about what is important in life: My husband, children, and family.
