It's been ONE YEAR, and still isn't any easier.

Tomorrow is the 1 yr anniversary of my grandpa's death and then 6 days later is the 1yr anniversary of grandma's death.  I can't believe it has been a year already.  It seems like it was just yesterday.  I remember exactly what I was doing, what I was wearing, how I felt, I even remember the smells in the air, at the very moment  the dreaded phone call came. 

The last few days have been so difficult.  Granted- the lack of sleep makes my emotions that much worse and I've suffered with depression for years; but WOW!!!! (really wish I could take my happy pills)   So not expecting the emotions I've been experiencing.  I feel bad for my family having to deal with my grumpiness, the crying, the lack of patience.....Unfortunately I can't just run away and hide.  Nope-I have to keep it together.

I wasn't thinking and scheduled an appointment for a health checkup tomorrow.  Based on the results-the insurance coverage/company reimbursement is decided for the upcoming year.  Great! Not looking forward to the day to begin with and now I'm going to be told my BMI is too high, my waist circumference is too high, I'm overweight, and I could be skinnier (doesn't matter that I had a baby 16wks ago).  Keep a happy face---Keep a happy face.

I don't know what I was expecting: maybe that the loss wouldn't still hurt so much.  I still smell grandma in my house at random times and places--causes tears to run down my face.  Tonight I saw a hummingbird and than there was some beautiful lightning--these made me think of grandpa; again tears flowed freely.

I'm so thankful for the many years I had with both of them and the memories I get to hold onto.  I'm also so thankful for the beautiful tribute video my aunt put together:  when I'm having a really hard time-I watch it: have a good cry and end up smiling.

I sure do miss you grandpa and grandma!!!

So Long Level 1.

This summer Tristan really wanted to play baseball.  Well-the city changed the program and I found out 3 months late.  There were absolutely no baseball teams he could be on for the summer--who would have thought sign up would take place in March.  He was bummed, I felt bad, and we didn't know what to do.  I thought maybe swimming lessons would be a good idea.  Cortlynn took them for close to 5//6 years with her daycare and he has had 0.  I began to research and again came up empty.  Seriously--why can't I sign my kids up for summer activities when it is summer???  So-I checked out the Blackfoot pool and lesson schedule.  YEAH! I found a class for him.  Granted I had to drive him to Blackfoot Mon-Thurs for two weeks, but he was excited. 

 

He was quite nervous during each class because it was pretty much the first time he had been in a pool.  He learned different skills but didn't have the confidence.  The final day-came and this was the day they tested the skills.  Well-he didn't quite pass and was so upset.  I told him how proud I was of him and that he learned a lot.  I also told him that he just needed to practice and I would sign him up for another 2 week session.  We decided to purchase a pool (that story to come in a few days) and signed him up for a session 3 weeks later.

 

The second session was like Night and Day.  WOW!  His confidence level was out if this world.  He did all the skills within the first couple of days.  Swimming under water, back float, front float, etc--nothing was out of Tristan's reach.  The final day came and he had already passed off everything prior so he just watched.  When I gave him his certificate at the end-he was so happy!

 

Tristan-we are so proud of you!  CONGRATS!



 



Tristan was "rescuing" another child

Here I come LEVEL 2!

Brynlee's special day

On Sunday  July 14, 2013 we were able to bless our beautiful little girl.  Since our church starts at 8:30am-we decided to have a small, intimate blessing at our house.  Brynlee was blessed in our back yard in front of family and a few friends from church.  It was a wonderful blessing.  It was quite hot, but I hope everyone enjoyed themselves.  After the blessing, we enjoyed ham sandwiches on homemade rolls and everyone that came brought food to enjoy.  I couldn't have asked for a better "blessing" day.  The kids even had the chance to swim in our pool and had a great time.  Thanks to everyone that traveled and was able to celebrate Brynlee's special day with us!

 

 

Devin's "crazy" sisters!

I cannot get enough of her HUGE smiles.

 

Daddy and Brynlee

 

Grandpa Swanson was able to give Brynlee a beautiful blessing

 

Happy grandparents

Josh, Daniel, Grandpa Swanson and Grandpa McIntire were able to stand in the circle

Everyone chillin with Bishop Stratford

Grandpa McIntire and Brynlee.  He actually put her to sleep.

My beautiful family.

waiting for the food



Enjoying the pool

 

The WHY'S of Motherhood

At night when I should be sleeping, I find myself sitting in bed, waiting for Brynlee to fall asleep and thinking of multiple "WHY" questions.  Seriously-I swear my brain goes on overdrive once the clock reads midnight.  I'm not looking for a pity-party (ok, maybe a little bit teeheehee) but I am going to post a few of my WHY questions.

WHY do other peoples children enjoy the car seat? My children will scream, cry, become so out of control that I will:
   -Stay home and not go anywhere
   -Pull the car over, squeeze my fat butt between both car seats, and than plop a boob in her mouth
   -Continue to drive until she screams so loud she poops EVERYWHERE (that is one way for her to get out of the seat isn't it?)  This occurs at least once a week.
    -Continue to drive with the radio turned up to muffle her cries as well as mine.

WHY do my children go all day ignoring me until I am on the phone or decide to actually take a shower or use the bathroom?

WHY am I the only one that can walk into the room and smell a dirty diaper?  I'm talking about diapers that could kill flowers 60 miles away.  (Wait-I know the answer; if you admit to smelling it than you would have to change it)

WHY do people still door my vehicle even when I park far away AND there is ample space closer? But no-let's park by the McIntire car and swing our doors open as fast and hard as we can.

WHY---while going to a movie I've wanted to see for months the most annoying people decide to sit by us?  If I take little children to a movie, I make sure to sit by an aisle so I can leave quietly, without disturbing others if needed.  These people took small children to World War Z---came to our row (mind you, there was a TON of seats everywhere) and demanded to walk thru.  The problem with this-Brynlee was in her car seat, asleep on the floor at my feet.  I actually had to yell at the women and hit her legs so she wouldn't step on her.  This wasn't all of it---throughout the movie---this women kept going out with her kids-thus making it so we had to keep lifting the seat out of the way.  Needless to say this woke Brynlee up and royally pissed me off.  WHY sit in the middle?  WHY come out our side when you know we have a small one and have to move everything?  WHY don't you go out the other side of the row? 

WHY do I feel guilty if I buy myself a package of gummy peaches and hide them in my room so I don't have to share with anyone?

WHY---if and when I actually try to lay down and take a much needed nap-that is the time Cortlynn's friends will call (and if no one answers they keep calling, and calling, and calling) or the neighbor kids bang on the door?  Bang, BAng, BANg, BANG!!!

WHY is it that I swear every time I go thru a drive thru because I have little kids in the car sleeping or I just don't want to take all the kids inside-I still have to park and go inside because they have messed up the order or forgot something?

WHY is it that my 6yr old won't eat anything at our house other than fruit, hot dogs, corn, and yogurt but will try other food while he's at the neighbors?

WHY do the kids not keep their rooms clean and actually had the nerve to tell me I should tell them that they shouldn't "Trash their rooms" because that's what the neighbors mom and dad say?

WHY is Paula Deen being put thru such a ringer? (I don't like the word she used and can completely understand how people are angry)  BUT--poor lady.  Quentin Tarintino's movie that was nominated for an Oscar said the word over 125 times.  He also said the word a lot while promoting the movie.  I watched an episode of Little House on the Prairie the other day and one of the characters said it 4 times in less than 5 minutes.  I don't like it and I would never say it or allow my children to say it--but some of the other things so-called celebrities say and do are 100 times worse.

WHY do people that I only know because they work at the store with Devin think it is appropriate to ask me if I'm nursing and then tell me that I will soon have my body back to normal?

WHY do I still feel like I'm doing something wrong while nursing in public?  I'm always covered up and nothing is ever shown-but I still feel the stares of the people around me.  One of these days I'm going to lose my cool and ask them why are you staring at me; this is what God intended these to be used for.  When there is a man  with his nasty man boobs hanging out, who is picking his nose, clipping his nails, and licking his fingers while eating BBQ ribs: not one person stares at him in disgust.

WHY is the 6week follow up appointment with the doctor after having a baby so important to a man?  Believe me-what is on my mind is NOT what is on your mind. 

WHY does JAck in the Box think it's okay to make their commercials the way they do?  I shouldn't have to explain to my kids the hidden meaning of the adds when they ask.  I don't think it's appropriate for the commercials to promote phone sex or sexting.  Even the radio commercials are crappy.  (I'm not a "prude", I just don't find them funny)

WHY didn't I cherish my long showers that I would take before I had children?  Now I'm lucky to get a 5 minute shower and there are times I can honestly say I don't remember the last time I had one.  (don't worry, I'm not walking around with a cloud of yuck around me. I just wish I could take a shower every day or even every other day)

I better end my WHY ranting because I really think I could probably go on forever.  Maybe I won't be troubled by these at night since I got them off my chest.

SIDE NOTE:  Here is a photo of my haircut.  Don't look at the dark circles under my eyes-just take a look at how short I cut it.

Congrats Cortlynn!!!

A person would think that if you stayed home all day you would find time to post regularly on the blog.  That is not the case in the McIntire house.  WOW-I seem to have no time to actually write a post and when I do-that free time lasts for a few minutes until Brynlee gets hungry, Kyra needs mommy time, Tristan needs a ride to his friends house, and Cortlynn needs to go to a friends' or some other activity.  Here it is Sunday, and I'm going to finish a post.

 

Cortlynn just finished up 6th grade, and since she will be moving on to middle school next year-one of the local car dealerships gives a free bike to those kids with perfect attendance.  We knew this wouldn't be a problem for her because she is never absent.  I think she has been sick one day and stayed home for one day with a  sprained ankle-since Kindergarten.  She was geared to win the bike.  Well-right before school started we lost my grandpa and my grandma.  She really wanted to be with family but didn't want to miss school.  I had her go to the first day of school and than stayed with family the second day.  She was sad about the deaths and was also a little sad about the bike not being a possibility. 

The following week she receives a letter in the mail from the dealership stating that they weren't starting the perfect attendance recording until the second week in September.  YEAH---that means that the hunt for the bike was still on.  (I really dislike these types of "contests" because kids don't stay home if they are really sick-a few of Cortlynn's friends included-and even being late would count against them.  Some of the parents don't care what time they get their kids to school so it's not the kids' fault.) Oh well-Cortlynn was excited.

 

The year past and the day of the awards ceremony finally arrived.  Since I had Brynlee, Devin was off work and was able to attend.  They went thru the different awards and the perfect attendance was next.  They read off the other two 6th grade classes and than it was Cortlynn's class.  They read the names and Cortlynn's wasn't read.  The principle than said, "Now for the final name"  Cortlynn actually stood up to get it, and it wasn't her.  The look on her face said it all.  I felt SOOOOO bad!  She was trying to hold back tears and I was sitting there, confused and wishing I had kept the letter.  I KNEW her name should have been read because I handed out the perfect attendance awards every 6 weeks for the PTA.  Devin and I felt horrible.  The program continued and Cortlynn was getting ready to sing her solo.  When it was her turn, another student went up to her and told her she needed to go to the office.  Well-now she was confused, I was confused, her solo was passed over, and we just sat there.  She came back in a few minutes later with a certificate in her hand.  They had lost her certificate for perfect attendance--"Sorry".    I swear, stuff like this ALWAYS happens to our family.  Oh well- She was happy.  (she was able to sing her solo and did such a great job. I had people come up to me for a week telling me how good she was)

 

A couple of weeks ago the dealership had a BBQ -not really, it was catered by MaMa Inez so we had enchiladas.  The weather was awful.  Windy, cold, and rainy; of course it was outside and of course her school was called towards the end.  No joke!!!!  ;-)  Her face was priceless when she finally had her hands on the bike and went for a ride in the rain as soon as we got home.  Congrats Cortlynn!

We have been trying to teach Tristan to ride his bike for over a year.  That poor boy was so scared and would never just try.  To our amazement just a few weeks ago-he went outside, told Cortlynn he was going to ride his bike and he did.  So proud of him.  He's only wrecked really bad once and that was last Sunday.  It was a BAD wreck.  Road rash, bruises, blood, and his entire right butt cheek was black and blue.  Aunt Nicole was here and was able to help get him in the house.  The wreck didn't deter him from riding and he has been out every day since.

Brynlee loves the baby swing and some days that is the only way I am able to get things done.  BUT-when she is in the swing, Kyra thinks she is fair game and wants to make the swing go faster and higher.  AAAAHHHHHH    The terrible two's have hit this house with a fury.  Kyra is a little ball of terror and if you get after her she will actually look at you and growl.  It's not a normal growl; it is more like she has an evil spirit within her trying to come out.  For those of you that have seen Stephen Kings "The Shining"  think of little Robbie saying REDRUM.  Yep-that would be my daughter.  The time out chair has become a regular occurrence and some days I think she probably just sits there, laughs, and thinks of new ways to be a terrible 2 yr old.  I pray that this "phase" passes quickly.  I love her, but man oh man---

 

 

I just had to post the first day of school photo and last day of school photo of Tristan.  To me-he looks a little bit older.  Sure do love him.

 

 

Let's Circle the Wagons

Those of you that know me well know that I have MANY weird quirks:  I can't sleep by a door, I fold towels a certain way, I like things cleaned a certain way, I have a bubble around me and don't like people in that bubble; and these are just to name a few.  Well-I'm afraid some of those have been passed down to my kids. 

 

Kyra loves to play and when she plays she has to have the toys in a circle, with absolutely NO space.  We wonder if she was a pioneer in her former life because she "circles the wagons".  I went into Tristan's room the other day and she had done the same thing with his Batman castles.  Silly girl.

 

 This is how I feel everyday--I just don't fall asleep in my food.  Some days I wish that were an option for me.

Poor Little Kyra-I don't think she is getting enough sleep.  She falls asleep in the weirdest places.

Burps, Toots, Poop, and Hormones

I find it funny that while our little ones are babies we encourage, cheer, praise, and hope for; a good burp, a loud toot, and by all means; a diaper full of poo.  But, when our little ones are old enough to talk (say around 2) and giggle about it--we scold them and teach them to say "excuse me".  Our little Brynlee has had issues with all the above baby praiseworthiness's and after 3 weeks of being born-is getting to be somewhat "normal".  Poor Byrnlee-she has definitely not been your typical baby.  I'm thinking that because she was 9 days early, her body just needed extra days to get to be normal.  We were so worried about her because she didn't have a poopy diaper for 10 days.  You read that correctly-10 DAYS!  I spoke to her doctor, called a nurse twice, my mom searched the internet for solutions and/or advice, we tried several things the doctor and nurses suggested-but none of them worked.  We knew her tummy hurt but didn't know what to do.  The first few nights at home were not pretty and I would just cry with her.  We pleaded with her to poop on the floor, poop on your sister, poop in the bath---we didn't care---we just wanted Brynlee to poop.  Poop watch 2013 was officially on.  After being home for 10 days with no action in the diaper I was overwhelmed with joy when the poopless streak was over.  I even sent a text to my mom. 

 

 

I was so thankful my mom was able to stay here for a month.  It worked out to be about 2 weeks before the baby and another 2 once she was born.  I honestly don't know how I would have survived without her.  Devin has been here--but you all know (or will know once you're married with kids) how helpful husbands can be.  ;-[    You would think that by having a 4th child I would be a pro.  Not so much.  I will never get used to the sleepless nights and the lack of naps.  Nursing didn't go so well at first-  I thought since I had been a "milk cow" for close to 6 years over the past 13 and the fact Kyra was finally over it in November my tatas would be primed and ready to go:  Nope!!!  The pain we as mothers go thru.  It really is a miracle we keep having babies and on top of that, nurse them.  Brynlee, like her sister Kyra is not gaining weight as quickly as she should be.  I have to take her in for weekly weight checks and make sure she is eating at least every 3 hours if not more.  I need to make sure I rest and keep my stress level down so my milk supply isn't compromised. (that is easier said/written than done.)  We are in the middle of re-financing our home and found out last Thursday that per our credit report Devin and I have a property in Spokane, WA.  WHAT??? (this is odd b/c I monitor our credit every month and haven't noticed anything)  Friday night I get the mail and I have an Insurance EOB for the hospital.  My bill has been rejected due to the fact pre-certification was not completed.  (this wasn't needed for the other 3 births) and since it is a Holiday weekend, I can't get any more information until Tuesday.  Talk about stressing out.  A 2 1/2 day hospital bill with "no insurance"?!?!  That's just awesome.  I'm so glad we pay our monthly insurance premiums to have our claims denied. 

 

This pregnancy from the beginning was an emotional roller-coaster.  Not sure why, but I think it was in part-timing.  Finding out I was expecting a week after losing both grandparents was difficult.  And that little black cloud of grief hung over me the entire time and continues to do so.  Sitting in the hospital the following morning of Brynlee's birth was hard for me.  I kept finding myself waiting for my phone to ring with grandpa telling me congratulations because that is what he always did.  His call was the first call I had with Tristan and Kyra, and with Cortlynn they came over to the hospital bright and early.  With Brynlee there was no celebration with grandma and grandpa.  I know they are looking down from Heaven, but it still has been a tough one.  It does make each day worth it when you see your children smile, and Brynlee has begun to smile.